Dawn [Inferno] // Luke fon Fabre (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
heliokleptic) wrote2011-03-24 01:44 pm
heliokleptic) wrote2011-03-24 01:44 pm
Entry tags:
Angst Essay
ON THE LUKE DEPRESSION SCALE he is currently about a 9.5 out of 10!
Okay, I never essayed on how Dawn took finding out about Akzeriuth. But basically after he sadded himself in a coma and talked things out with his team, here is what all changed!:
Dawn learned he destroyed an entire city at Van's behest. He knows he was tricked, but that really doesn't make him feel any better. Luke doesn't recognize a very large difference between "I intentionally killed thousands of people" and "I accidentally killed thousands of people" because in the end those people are all still dead and he really doesn't think "I was stupid" is a better reason than "I was crazy".
Don't get him wrong, he absolutely blames Van! But Van is dead and so there is no point to blaming him. Also Van doesn't CARE so there is no point to blaming him.
But, as far as Dawn is concerned he deserves to be dead. He realizes that his death won't resolve anything, so in that case he probably at least deserves to be miserable. This is why pretty much makes no effort to defend his feelings or to fix his mood.
He did not figure out that his team cares about him being sad! If he did he would be faking happiness, but he hasn't realized anyone empathizes with him enough (except for Jacuzzi I guess) to care about his mood. That said, he still doesn't APPEAR quite as miserable as he is, mostly because Luke also feels a desire to be helpful and dependable now, so the desire to be productive is kind of balancing out his apparent mood. If he acted the way he FEELS he would not leave his bed and he might be cutting himself idk.
Thus far no one has given Dawn a direction. He might eventually realize one for himself, and he has a kiiind of direction in the sense of 'take care of team', but this is pretty much all found out of just a COMPLETE OVERRIDING TERROR of being useless. He HATES IT THE MOST if he is worthless to people, and so he isn't helping his team out of some sort of penance (as he does in canon) but rather just because the only way he could possibly be MORE MISERABLE would be to of no value to his team. But overall, Dawn has no way to 'fix' anything, and nothing to do in RESPONSE to what he has heard about Akzeriuth, so his pretty much stagnant and festering.
Dawn isn't prone to crying! And even though he is pretty obviously SAD he sort of locks down most of his feelings and responses to stuff under a general 'sad' category. When he's this depressed it's actually pretty hard to read what he is thinking/feeling because it all seems to just drown in a pool of SO SAD. But like, whe he was talking to Souya about what to do about Acedia he was pretty close to the verge of an emotional break down (which he may still go have one at Kaworu) because basically telling hime he is useless in this situation and should just pretend it isn't happening and treating him like he is stupid for wanting to help is pretty much the WORST POSSIBLE ROUTE to go.
And then there is Acedia getting hurt all the time!
This is a very troubling thing for Dawn. He does understand that Acedia is different, and even though he REALLY DOESN'T LIKE IT if Acedia needs to hurt people and found someone to trade pain with and... so... that is okay?? Dawn is trying REALLY HARD to be open minded about crazy people. But it's hard to overlook 'you were stabbed in the chest'. Still, Acedia was handling it okay and so Dawn is like okay it probably won't get worse than this.
THREE DAYS LATER Acedia's LEG IS BROKEN. No one actually told Dawn what happened, and the two people he asked about it lied and told him to basically butt the hell out. He really has no reason to believe it will stop here, since in the last fifteen ish days Acedia has gotten three fingers broken, been stabbed in the chest and had his knee broken. As far as Dawn knows next time it will be his neck!
Still, it's not like Dawn really has a PLAN either. He is totally out of depth. But he is a TALES CHARACTER and so the WAY WE DO THINGS is to talk about our problems with the villain and try to reach an understanding! But he can't do that cuz no one will tell him who Riful is 8(
Soo now there is something SERIOUSLY WRONG with one of his teammates, he is lying about it to most of his team, the only other people aware of it are lying to HIM and telling him he can't do anything to help and shouldn't even try. And his original score of an 8 out of 10 sadness shot up to very close to his absolute max because the way it FEELS is that not only was his OLD LIFE totally balls but now he can't even do something in his new life as simple as keeping his friend from getting broken by another psychopath \o/
It also doesn't help that he hasn't talked to Liberty, Dusk, or Guy in a few days and they are really the only people ever able to make him feel better.
Finally, Dawn has currently stopped taking his memories. It's for the best because his only standing memory would be utterly depressing, but if he gets proactive enough to decide he needs to BETTER HIMSELF he will go back to taking his memories so he can learn from his old mistakes.
ALL IN ALL:
That all said, Luke is actually a pretty high functioning depressive and will still be more friendly and more useful than he was before he broke =Dbb
Okay, I never essayed on how Dawn took finding out about Akzeriuth. But basically after he sadded himself in a coma and talked things out with his team, here is what all changed!:
Dawn learned he destroyed an entire city at Van's behest. He knows he was tricked, but that really doesn't make him feel any better. Luke doesn't recognize a very large difference between "I intentionally killed thousands of people" and "I accidentally killed thousands of people" because in the end those people are all still dead and he really doesn't think "I was stupid" is a better reason than "I was crazy".
Don't get him wrong, he absolutely blames Van! But Van is dead and so there is no point to blaming him. Also Van doesn't CARE so there is no point to blaming him.
But, as far as Dawn is concerned he deserves to be dead. He realizes that his death won't resolve anything, so in that case he probably at least deserves to be miserable. This is why pretty much makes no effort to defend his feelings or to fix his mood.
He did not figure out that his team cares about him being sad! If he did he would be faking happiness, but he hasn't realized anyone empathizes with him enough (except for Jacuzzi I guess) to care about his mood. That said, he still doesn't APPEAR quite as miserable as he is, mostly because Luke also feels a desire to be helpful and dependable now, so the desire to be productive is kind of balancing out his apparent mood. If he acted the way he FEELS he would not leave his bed and he might be cutting himself idk.
Thus far no one has given Dawn a direction. He might eventually realize one for himself, and he has a kiiind of direction in the sense of 'take care of team', but this is pretty much all found out of just a COMPLETE OVERRIDING TERROR of being useless. He HATES IT THE MOST if he is worthless to people, and so he isn't helping his team out of some sort of penance (as he does in canon) but rather just because the only way he could possibly be MORE MISERABLE would be to of no value to his team. But overall, Dawn has no way to 'fix' anything, and nothing to do in RESPONSE to what he has heard about Akzeriuth, so his pretty much stagnant and festering.
Dawn isn't prone to crying! And even though he is pretty obviously SAD he sort of locks down most of his feelings and responses to stuff under a general 'sad' category. When he's this depressed it's actually pretty hard to read what he is thinking/feeling because it all seems to just drown in a pool of SO SAD. But like, whe he was talking to Souya about what to do about Acedia he was pretty close to the verge of an emotional break down (which he may still go have one at Kaworu) because basically telling hime he is useless in this situation and should just pretend it isn't happening and treating him like he is stupid for wanting to help is pretty much the WORST POSSIBLE ROUTE to go.
And then there is Acedia getting hurt all the time!
This is a very troubling thing for Dawn. He does understand that Acedia is different, and even though he REALLY DOESN'T LIKE IT if Acedia needs to hurt people and found someone to trade pain with and... so... that is okay?? Dawn is trying REALLY HARD to be open minded about crazy people. But it's hard to overlook 'you were stabbed in the chest'. Still, Acedia was handling it okay and so Dawn is like okay it probably won't get worse than this.
THREE DAYS LATER Acedia's LEG IS BROKEN. No one actually told Dawn what happened, and the two people he asked about it lied and told him to basically butt the hell out. He really has no reason to believe it will stop here, since in the last fifteen ish days Acedia has gotten three fingers broken, been stabbed in the chest and had his knee broken. As far as Dawn knows next time it will be his neck!
Still, it's not like Dawn really has a PLAN either. He is totally out of depth. But he is a TALES CHARACTER and so the WAY WE DO THINGS is to talk about our problems with the villain and try to reach an understanding! But he can't do that cuz no one will tell him who Riful is 8(
Soo now there is something SERIOUSLY WRONG with one of his teammates, he is lying about it to most of his team, the only other people aware of it are lying to HIM and telling him he can't do anything to help and shouldn't even try. And his original score of an 8 out of 10 sadness shot up to very close to his absolute max because the way it FEELS is that not only was his OLD LIFE totally balls but now he can't even do something in his new life as simple as keeping his friend from getting broken by another psychopath \o/
It also doesn't help that he hasn't talked to Liberty, Dusk, or Guy in a few days and they are really the only people ever able to make him feel better.
Finally, Dawn has currently stopped taking his memories. It's for the best because his only standing memory would be utterly depressing, but if he gets proactive enough to decide he needs to BETTER HIMSELF he will go back to taking his memories so he can learn from his old mistakes.
ALL IN ALL:
+300 misery
+50 suicidal tendencies
-99.9% self worth
+60 ambivalence to own pain (physical)
+40 ambivalence to own pain (emotional)
+70 need to be useful to his team
+300% likeliness to make everything into his own fault
+1000% likeliness to assume he deserves whatever he gets
That all said, Luke is actually a pretty high functioning depressive and will still be more friendly and more useful than he was before he broke =Dbb